*****
“When’s Daddy-Duo going to get home?” Anna asked impatiently. Hilde sighed. Sometimes she had her father’s blunt impatience. The blue eyes stared at her demanding to know the answer.
“Hon, he’s out on business-”
“That’s no excuse. He promised to be here.”
Hilde smiled. “I’m sure he’ll be home soon. Now go wash up for dinner.
Phoebe, go with her.” The almost-three-year-old toddler crawled off of her
stool and followed her older half-sister.
At that moment, Duo walked in the door. “Hiya Hilde, sorry I’m late.”
“Hi dear,” she replied, meeting his kiss as she pulled the lasagna out of
the oven. Duo had been out on a mission with Heero for two days and was
supposed to have been back to get Anna from soccer practice, but had been
late. Hilde knew Duo couldn’t help it and didn’t hold it against him.
“You’ve got a disappointed step-daughter coming at you in about two
minutes,” Hilde warned him.
“Thanks for the info, soldier,” Duo acknowledged, winking at her. Hilde
managed a smile as Duo helped her get the table ready.
Something wasn’t quite right. Hilde knew that but couldn’t place her finger on it. It had begun almost six months ago, or even before-she didn’t know exactly when, but this wasn’t the life she had imagined.
They sat at the table, and she listened as Duo begged for forgiveness from the stubborn Anna. Finally Anna gave in as Duo promised to play Chutes and Ladders with her before bed, and the tension eased on that end of the dining table. Hilde made sure Phoebe’s plate stayed on the table as she ate most of her dinner.
They finished dinner, cleared the table, retired for the evening and finally got the kids off to bed as Anna beat Duo once again, catching him trying to cheat-“No really, you CAN walk up the chutes, I tell you!” Duo pleaded, but Anna sat with her arms crossed until he behaved himself.
The kids were tucked in and Duo and Hilde finally crawled into their own
bed, tired. “Night Hilde,” he spoke while kissing her.
“Night, Duo,” she replied softly.
After a few minutes she could hear Duo snoring lightly beside her. He never had trouble sleeping. Sometimes it was all she could do to get to sleep before two in the morning.
What is wrong with me? She asked herself. I have two beautiful daughters, a wonderful husband, the dream-life. Duo gets along well with Heero, even though Heero’s the father of Anna. So what’s wrong?
It’s this life. I stay at home with Phoebe, cook, clean and go to bed. I could work-Duo’s been all for getting a nanny if I want to work-but it’s not that. I miss going on missions. I miss the danger, the thrill. I miss being a soldier.
The realization startled her. Yes, that’s it. I want to fight again, to sense the excitement. I went on missions up until I was pregnant with Anna, and then even after-Relena was always willing to take her for a while, the ever-loving stepmother. But once I became pregnant with Phoebe, I stayed at home.
“Duo,” she whispered, nudging him in the side.
“Huh?” he asked, his eyes still shut.
“Duo, I want to go back to work.”
“Hm? Oh yeah, sure thing babe.”
Hilde nudged him again, causing his eyes to half-open. “No, Duo, I want to
go back to work with you. I want to go on missions again.”
Duo managed to prop himself up on his hand. “Hilde, honey, I don’t really
think that’s the greatest thing. We’re doing dangerous stuff, and you’ve
got Phoebe and Anna-”
“Duo, you said yourself if I wanted to go back to work you were fine with
that, and we could get a nanny. Well, I want to, and I want to go back to
being a soldier.” She looked directly into his violet eyes, but she couldn’
t read him.
“Hilde, I think you’re rushing things a bit. Let’s talk about this later,
ok?” He shifted, falling back on his pillow, closing his eyes.
“Ok, Duo,” she responded, knowing he would probably just forget about this
conversation.
Once again his snoring began again, and Hilde thought about what he had said. He wouldn’t let her go back to work with them-he wanted to protect her, protect his family-he always wanted to save her from that kind of life, the kind he had to live.
Problem was, she wanted that kind of life, yearned for it with every part of her being.
*****
Two weeks later and Hilde didn’t feel any better about anything. In fact, she felt worse. She began to feel that every smile, every endearing remark to Duo was being forced from her. She was beginning to resent him, resent the way he came back from missions, smiling, or even those days he was exhausted and was full of mixed emotions. She remembered what it felt like, to have the fate of humanity in your hands, to have the thrill of battle upcoming. She missed it.
Hilde turned from where she was sitting as Anna came tramping through the
door. Heero stood in the doorway.
“Hi,” he called to her, smiling a little. She returned his smile.
“Hi, Heero. Thanks for picking her up.”
“Oh, no problem at all. Listen, I have some news to tell you-Relena and I
are moving back to Earth for a while.”
“Oh really?” Hilde asked, noticing Anna’s pout. Well, she didn’t get that
from Heero or I-she must have learned that from her stepmother, she thought
to herself.
“Just for six months. Relena’s needed back on Earth so we’re leaving a week
from Saturday.”
“She’ll get over it,” Hilde replied, referring to Anna, who turned with her
arms crossed.
Heero smiled.
“Well, I’ll seeya, Hilde.”
“Yeah,” Hilde replied. Heero raised an eyebrow and stood staring at her.
“What’s wrong?”
Hilde motioned for him to go outside and turned back to Anna. “Anna, put
away your soccer stuff-you know better than to leave it on the floor.
Geeze, you’re getting worse than Duo sometimes!” Anna scooted off to pick
up her cleats and Hilde stepped outside on the porch.
Heero was waiting for her, and she stood before him, looking at his eyes. In an instant she remembered the last time they had done this, on this same porch-almost nine years ago, before she knew she was pregnant with Anna, but after she had been with Heero. He had come to say good-bye then, and they had both told each other that they would not regret what had happened.
“Hilde, what’s going on?” he asked her.
Suddenly Hilde burst into tears. “I’m sorry, sorry to be doing this to you,
Heero. It’s just-Duo won’t listen to me. I want to go back to work-to work
on the missions, I mean. I want to be a soldier again. Damnit, I want to
pilot a mobile suit, or something! I was trained to do that, Heero, and ever
since Phoebe was born I’ve been here. At first I was ok, but now-I miss it
so much, Heero. What’s wrong with me?”
“Nothing, Hilde,” he responded, touching her cheek, brushing away a tear.
Hilde smiled at him. “There’s nothing wrong at all. You’re a soldier, it’s
what you’re supposed to do.” He sighed for a moment, looking at the ground,
then looking back up into Hilde’s eyes-his own full of recognition and
understanding. “I know your feeling. Relena doesn’t want me fighting
anymore-she wants to start a family, wants me around. And in all honesty I
don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can just stay at home. At one
time the thought would have never even crossed my mind. I’m a soldier,
trained for battle, not a good homemaker.”
“You’ve been a great father to Anna,” Hilde began.
“Yeah, but that’s only because I’m able to share her with you, Hilde. If we
had her just by ourselves, Relena and I-I would never be able to be a
soldier. And that’s who I am.”
Suddenly Hilde looked into his eyes and saw something she hadn’t seen in years-a look of genuine sympathy, compassion. She had seen it before-when Duo had been in a coma, when she had felt all alone. She saw it now, knowing she was not alone.
“I’d better go,” Heero told her. She smiled and in an instant he was walking away, down the driveway from her.
*****
(three months later)
Duo flung his arm and hit Hilde in the face. “Duo!” she yelled at him, throwing his arm back on him. He didn’t wake up, just grunted. She pushed him a little and he turned over, leaving her alone in peace. She lay staring up at the ceiling, noticing how the ceiling really needed to be repainted badly. She realized she was thirsty and got up out of bed to get a glass of water in the kitchen.
She began pouring water into a glass when she gasped in surprise. A figure stood outside on their front lawn. She instinctively moved out of the light, then noticed who it was. “Heero?” she asked herself, not able to believe it was actually him out on her lawn. She unlocked the door as quietly as she could and stepped out on the porch, wrapping her arms around her nightgown as she shivered in the night air.
Heero stood in the same spot on the lawn, his hands in his jean pockets. He
wore his flight jacket around his green tank top. Hilde stepped off the
porch towards him.
“What are you doing here?” she finally asked him.
“I ended up being on a mission here. I’m here for two more nights and then
I’m going back to Earth. Hilde, this is going to be my last mission out
here to L2 for a while.”
“Relena’s pregnant?” she asked him. He shook his head.
“No. We’re actually spending a little time apart now.” He hung his head
and Hilde stepped closer.
“I’m sorry, Heero.” She stopped in front of him, and he took her hand in
his, startling her. “So then, why will this be your last mission out here?”
“Because I can’t keep away from you,” he breathed. Shivers went up and down
Hilde’s spine as she realized what he said.
“Heero,” she whispered back, pleading in her voice for him not to say what
she knew he would say.
“I’m here for two more nights. I’m staying at the hotel by the A-17 shuttle
bay, room 202.”
Hilde looked down, taking her hand out of his. “Don’t ask me, Heero.
Please don’t ask me.”
“I wasn’t going to. I’m going to leave it up to you. You’re the only one
who can understand me now.”
“I know.” She looked back into his eyes, then stepped away. “Heero, you’d
better go. Go and don’t come back. If you want to see Anna, I’ll have Duo
bring her, or Quatre-but please, don’t come by here again.”
Heero nodded, then turned and left. Hilde waited until he was out of sight, then began to cry. She ran back into the house, shutting the door softly behind her and locking it, covering her mouth to quiet the sounds of her sobbing.
After an hour she managed to crawl back into bed. Duo moaned a little and turned over, throwing his arm back around her. He hadn’t awakened the whole time, but it still took Hilde another hour to finally get herself to sleep.
*****
Two days had passed since Heero had come by. He was leaving the next morning, but Hilde tried to push it out of her mind. That evening came and Duo helped her clear the table from dinner. The kids were playing in the living room when Hilde again brought the subject of her working up again.
“Duo, I asked you a while ago, and you said we’d talk about it later. That
was about three months ago now.”
“I did? I don’t remember,” he answered, and Hilde rolled her eyes. Damnit,
I knew he wouldn’t remember.
“Duo, it was late and I woke you up, so I don’t expect you to remember, but
I want to go back to work. Not work-work, but working on the missions
again.”
“Hilde, why would you want that?” he asked her, crossing his arms and
leaning against the fridge as he dried another dish.
“Duo, because it’s what I was trained to do! I was trained just like you
were-I want to fly again!”
“Hilde, please, be serious. We’ve got two children, and it’s dangerous
enough with one of us in this business.”
“Damnit Duo, I want to do this to!” Hilde retorted, raising her voice. Anna
came in to the kitchen, looking up at Duo and Hilde with Hilde’s own
questioning eyes reflecting back.
“Are you two fighting?”
“No sweetie, just having a discussion,” Duo replied sweetly.
“Well, discuss quieter-we’re watching a movie,” Anna scolded and walked back
into the living room.
“She’s way too much like Heero sometimes,” Duo replied, then turned back to
Hilde. “Let’s talk about this later, ok?”
“Fine. But I’m going out tonight.”
“What?” Duo asked, a little shocked.
“I need to clear my head. You can get the kids to bed, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Well then, I’ll be home late. Seeya in the morning.”
Duo didn’t know how to reply, and Hilde didn’t let him. She grabbed her
coat and headed out the door.
*****
Hilde wandered for an hour before finding herself standing in front of the hotel. I shouldn’t be here, she thought to herself, but in the next minute she pushed that thought from her mind. You wanted to live dangerously? Here’s your chance, Hilde.
Maybe my only chance.
She stepped inside the hotel, then headed down the hallway and up the stairs. She stopped in front of 202 and without a second thought knocked on the door. Heero answered, then stepped back, a little surprised.
“I didn’t think you would come,” he finally answered as she entered. He closed the door behind them, and Hilde turned, facing him.
“I didn’t think I would, either. I guess this is my only chance.”
Heero said nothing, and neither moved. Hilde finally spoke again. “This is
my last chance to feel what I once felt-the thrill, the danger of the
mission, the risk-”
“The vulnerability,” Heero added. Hilde swallowed hard and nodded.
Slowly they moved towards each other. Hilde dropped her coat behind her and Heero reached up, cupping her face, kissing her lightly. She savored the way he tasted her mouth, gently exploring and prodding. She reached for him, remembering the only other time they had hastily rushed at each other, practically tearing each other’s clothes off. Tonight it was different. Everything was slow, deliberate, graceful.
His hands moved around her back, to her sides, under her shirt. Hers followed suit and raised the tank top off of his body, and she grazed her fingertips over his skin, his toned muscles. He gently tugged until her shirt came off, then he unclasped her bra, letting her stand before him. Kissing her again he gently reached for her breasts, stroking the nipples until they hardened under his touch. He reached around her and slipped his hands down her back into her jeans, reaching for her buttocks. She reached in front of him, unzipping his pants and placing a hand on his hardened length. Slowly their pants fell off, followed by their underwear. Heero continued to kiss her, pulling her back towards the bed, until she fell into his arms. He rolled her until she was under him, and then he began kissing her a little more forcefully, but still taking it slow, running his fingertips down her neck to her shoulders, then dropping to her breasts again. He followed the curves of her body outward to her hips, then began dropping his kisses from her mouth down to her chin, down her chest, pausing to give each nipple a little attention with his lips.
Hilde massaged his head in her hands as he sucked and prodded with his tongue, bringing each nipple alive, then dropping lower, slipping his tongue into her navel, then stopping just before reaching the top of her mound. He suddenly flipped her over, and began kissing again, starting at her neck and running his tongue down her spine. Hilde gripped the sheets as she moaned out in pleasure. He continued kissing until he reached the top of her buttocks, just the top of the divide, then flipped her back over, beginning from the left knee and kissing his way up to the soft inner skin of her thigh. Then slowly, torturously slow, he licked his way inside her, tugging gently with his lips and teeth and tongue.
Suddenly Hilde’s hips bucked, and he knew she was losing control. His own need was beginning to drive him mad and he replaced his lips with his fingers, moving back up to kiss her mouth, sucking on her lips as he positioned himself between her and guided his shaft inside. He covered her entire body with his and marveled at the softness of her skin, remembering that time long ago when he had first done this to her. It had been the first time he had ever made love to anyone. He began a slow rhythm this time, running one hand up her side, trying to make it last. The pace quickened as her breath came faster, and they both cried out in release.
Heero pulled out, tired and out of breath, and pulled her body close to his. She lay next to him, smelling the once-familiar scent of his skin. He breathed in her rosy-soap smell, the same soapy smell she always had had.
He turned his gaze to her eyes, and was startled to find them full of tears.
He pulled away a little.
“Heero,” she cried. “That was beautiful, so beautiful-”
“But you regret it.”
“No-yes. I’m so confused.”
He pulled her back into his embrace. “I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry,
Hilde.”
After a moment she rose from the bed, pulling her clothes on. “I can’t
stay.”
“Hilde,” he spoke again. She stood, half-naked, looking at him, and he at
her.
“Heero, no matter what I want in life, no matter who I think I am or was-”
She began to cry again. “I love Duo. I really do, and this time I’ve
really hurt him. I don’t know how he can forgive me now, now that I have
deliberately hurt him.”
“You’re going to tell him.”
“I have to, Heero. I have to.”
Silence followed for another minute.
“Where do we go from here?” he asked her. She sighed.
“Heero, your path is for you alone. But if I were you, go home and tell
Relena. You’ve got to tell her, too. Tell her how much you love her but
that you can’t change, even for her. She’s got to love you the way you
are.”
“What about you, and Duo? Are you going to be able to say the same thing?”
“Going to try. He may hate me forever now, but I’ve got to try anyway.”
“Hilde, do you regret this?” he asked her again.
“Yes, yes I do. Because this means I can’t see you alone anymore, ever. We
can never let this happen again.”
“Do you regret the first time?” he questioned, searching her eyes. She
smiled a little.
“No, I can never regret that. It was a different time. I was seventeen,
and I didn’t know. Now I’m twenty-five. I don’t have that excuse. I don’t
have any excuse.”
Heero nodded. “Then this is goodbye.”
“Yes, it is. Goodbye, Heero.” She stepped out the door and closed it
behind her.
And for the first time in his life, Heero Yuy cried.
*****
Hilde headed home. It was well after midnight now, and the lights were off as she walked up the street. She stopped about a block away from the house, trying to gather her thoughts. Did she still love Duo? Yes, she was certain of that-certain that somehow that had never gone away, though for a while she wasn’t so sure. Did she love Heero Yuy? Now that was another matter. It was like asking her did she love being a stay-at-home-mom and being a soldier? Yes, but differently.
There was something about Heero Yuy she had always loved. It was that little part of her that had never died at the end of the war-the part that wanted to take risks and live in the thrill of danger.
But it was dying now. As she walked closer and closer that part didn’t seem nearly so significant as it had about five hours earlier.
She unlocked the door and shut it quietly behind her. Hanging up her coat, she looked in the mirror at herself. How in the world will I tell him?
She didn’t have much time to think about it as she stepped into the living room. She saw his eyes in the darkness. Violet eyes staring up at her, demanding to know the truth. Eyes full of pain, sadness and anger. She stared back at him. She opened her mouth to say something, then shut it. It was no time for words from her. He knew. Somehow, he knew. Nothing she said would change anything now.
“Sit,” he finally said to her, and she slowly moved over to the chair in front of him. She sat across from him, staring at his figure in the darkness. The light from the window glared off of his eyes.
Suddenly he moved closer to her, and in that instant she saw she had been mistaken. There was no anger-at least, not in the way she had expected. She had anticipated rage and fury, but instead it was anger suppressed by greater emotions-sorrow, regret.
“Duo,” she whispered. “Please let me say one thing.” She paused, taking a deep breath, hoping for strength as she said the impossible. “Duo, if you want me to move out, if you want me to leave, I will. You don’t need to say anything else.”
Silence followed again. He just sat looking at her. The tears welled up in her eyes and she leaned forward, trying to hold them back but eventually that task was impossible. She reached out her hands, hoping he would take the invitation, but he didn’t.
“Do you love me?” he finally asked her. She jumped when he spoke. Looking
at him with tear-filled eyes, she nodded.
“Yes. Now more than ever.”
Slowly, gently, Duo took her hands in his. He placed his forehead against
hers, and his own tears began to fall, mixing and intermingling with hers.
“I don’t want to lose you.”
She placed her hand upon his neck. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t,” he quickly retorted. “Don’t say that. Not now. That doesn’t mean
anything.”
Hilde nodded. “It’s all I know how to say. I don’t want to lose you,
either.”
“Then say that. That means more to me than anything else.”
They slowly wrapped their arms around each other, leaning against each
other, cheek to cheek. “Duo, I told him I’d never see him again.”
“How can we do that, when he’s Anna’s father?” he asked her.
“Well, I’ll just stay away when he comes to get her, and when we go to pick
her up I’ll wait outside.”
He sighed, and then she continued. “Duo, how can you trust me now? If I
were you I don’t think I could trust me.”
He pulled away, holding her chin in his hand as he looked directly into her
eyes. “That’s why I’m me and you’re you.”
Hilde smiled a little at that. “Duo-”
“Babe, it’s my turn. I screwed up, too. I didn’t really listen to you,
just like I didn’t before. I didn’t know that it really meant so much for
you to be a soldier. You see, I feel like I’ve spent my whole life trying
to get out of this business. I want out, forever. When the day comes that
I can destroy the Deathscythe and say goodbye forever to the mobile suits
and wars, I’ll thank that day gladly. If I could I would spend every moment
with Anna and Phoebe, and you. I’d trade anything to have that. So instead
I gave that to you. The problem is, I never asked you if you wanted it.”
Hilde began to cry again and he pulled her in tighter. “Hilde, I want
whatever you want. If you wanted to go, I’d let you go.”
“Duo, you’d better not let me go!” she laughed a little.
*****
(seven years later)
“Daddy-Duo, when’s Mom going to get here?” she asked him, impatiently
stamping her foot.
“She’ll be home any minute, pumpkin, and while you’re waiting go wipe some
of that makeup off of your face.” Anna made a face and went back to the
bathroom, with Phoebe following. “Teach me how to put on mascara, Anna-I
want to know, too!”
Duo rolled his eyes and checked the timer on the stove. Only five more minutes… The door opened and Hilde walked in the door, looking exhausted but still glowing.
“Hey, there’s my girl!” Duo exclaimed, kissing Hilde on the cheek. “Looks
like someone had fun today.”
“I got to fly the new model,” Hilde finally managed to say.
“Really? The new suit?”
“Yeah-it’s got an ever faster response time than what they came up with four
years ago-it’s amazing, Duo!”
He smiled at her. Hilde loved being back at work-fighting alongside with
the guys-all except Heero, of course-and the way she glowed after every
mission Duo couldn’t help but smile. He loved hearing her talk about it-but
he didn’t miss it one bit.
Instead, he was enjoying his time as a stay-at-home-dad. His cooking skills had much improved, and he spent a lot of time with the girls. “But he doesn ’t like Martha Stewart,” Phoebe once informed Hilde. “When they show reruns of her, Dad makes faces at her and thinks her taste in wallpaper is just horrid.”
“So how is everything here?” Hilde asked him. Duo stood with his fists on
his hips.
“Well, that darling daughter of yours has a date tonight. I’ve already told
her to be back here at nine-thirty or else.”
“Daddy-Duo, how many times do I have to tell you, he’s not even coming by
here until nine!” Anna shouted from the bathroom.
“A half-hour is plenty of time to have a nice date,” Duo shouted back, then
turned to Hilde. “Nothing can happen in a half-hour, right?”
Hilde rolled her eyes. “Duo, let her go until midnight. Come on, it’s not
like I don’t know you’ve got every dance club in the colony staked out with
undercover agents and hidden cameras. She’ll be fine.”
“Yeah, well I told Heero the other day about her date and he nearly flipped. But he said he trusted me to have it under control."
Hilde slapped Duo’s butt with the hot pad, then checked the oven. “Mmmm,
not bad, Mister Maxwell, if I do say so myself.”
“Glad you liked it, hon.”
Suddenly Hilde turned to Duo. “Duo, if Anna’s out on a date tonight, and Phoebe’s going for a sleepover at Judy’s, then that means we’ve got the place to ourselves for about three hours tonight.”
Duo gave her an evil grin. “There’s definitely a lot one can do in three hours.”