Wayne Zero

by Bluefire

Disclaimer: I don't own John Wayne, I don't own the g-boys (I don't really care about Johnnie, but someday, when I rule the world, the g-boys will be MINE!!! Mwu hu ha ha ha!)

Warning: Character bashing , Wing Zero bashing, John Wayne bashing (I think you get the idea)

Part 1

"I hate cereal," Heero muttered in disgust, glaring down at the soggy bowl of cornflakes in front of him on the breakfast table.

"I love it," Quatre replied cheerfully, spooning another bite into his mouth, a pleased grin on his face.

"I hate breakfast," Heero glared at Quatre.

"I love it," Quatre smiled broadly. "It’s yummy."

"Yummy? What is this, Barney and friends?" Heero asked, raising an eyebrow darkly.

"Well, maybe you could just lighten up a little," Quatre commented.

"I hate today," Heero growled.

"I love it," Quatre smiled again.

"Whoa… sunshine versus night… maybe I should have slept in," Duo commented, walking into the kitchen and grabbing a cereal bowl from the cupboard.

"I hate cereal," Heero muttered again.

"And I love it," Quatre’s eyes narrowed slightly.

"And you’ve both gone off your rockers," Duo supplied, staring at them.

"I still hate cereal."

"And I still love it."

"Since you two can’t seem to let the matter rest, why don’t you have a cereal duel?" Duo asked sarcastically.

"A duel then,"Heero confirmed, rising to his feet.

"Hello? I was joking there buddy," Duo smirked.

"Just like in a John Wayne movie," Quatre nodded solemnly.

"Prepare your spoon," Heero directed. Duo slappedhis forehead.

"I am surrounded by crazy people," Duo muttered. He closed his eyes tightly as Quatre and Heero both pulled dripping spoons from their cereal bowls. He cocked one eye open cautiously. " Oh my…you’re both serious. You are both dead serious. It was a JOKE!" The other two pilots ignored him.

"Ready?" Heero asked. Quatre nodded. "Go!" Heero yelled.

They both immediantly reached for spoonfuls of soggy cornflakes, which they sent flying at each other through the air. Both soon picked up their bowls and and sent the contents flinging across the table towards each other.

Relena and Wufei entered the kitchen through separate doors almost simeoltanously. Seeing the urgency of the situation, they both grabbed whatever food was near and threw it. Duo let out a wild "Whoopie!" and flung pixie stik dust at Heero and Quatre.

Heero screamed and threw his spoon towards Duo’s head. Duo ducked, and the spoon hit Trowa just as he rounded a corner and turned into the kitchen, right smack dab in the forehead.

Trowa barely wasted a second before flinging the spoon back towards Heero, only missing and whacking Wufei in the process.

Total chaos broke out. The food fight was soon abandoned in favor of more suitible weapons: kitchen utensils.

"John Wayne forever!" Quatre screamed, holding a spatula threateningly over Heero.

"John Wayne is dead!" Heero roared back, flinging his spatula towards the other boy. They fought with their mock swords atop the kitchen table.

Different battles were being fought all over the kitchen. Blood was flowing and bruises were rapidly appearing.

The fight went on.

* * *

"I’m covered in soggy cornflakes," Heero muttered.

"So’m I," Quatre grinned. He wore a dripping bowl for a hat.

"Relena hit me in the ribs," Duo moaned, sinking into a chair at the kitchen table. "As soon as it gets better, I’m going to kill her. Then I’m going to kill Trowa. Ladles hurt."

"You should challenge him to a duel. Like in a John Wayne movie," Quatre’s grin grew broader. "I love John Wayne movies."

"What is wrong with you?!" Heero yelled. "Get off the whole ‘John Wayne’ thing already!"

"Don’t diss John, ‘k?" Quatre pointed an accusing finger at Heero. "He is my hero, Heero." Duo snickered. Heero glared at Duo shortly before glaring at Quatre.

"I hate John Wayne," he hissed, before leaving to go clean up.

"Hey Quatre," Duo’s eyes had a mischeivious glint. "Wanna’ do something fun? It has to do with John." Quatre nodded vigorously and grinned.

The Next Morning

Heero walked into the hanger with his usual expression (the "something painful got shoved up my rear" look). He stopped and fell to his knees suddenly as he laid eyes on his precious Wing Zero.

"What do you think?" Quatre asked wryly, coming up behind him.

"What… did… you…DO?!" He stuttered out, so angry he could barely speak, at the same time even closer to sobbing.

"I think it’s classic," Duo commented. "Who wouldn’t have a hard time trying to fight you after they catch a glimpse of Wing Zero’s new look?"

"They’ll have a hard time trying to fight because they’ll be laughing!" Heero screamed, getting to his feet. "I will kill you! Both of you! DIE!!" His shouts echoed through the hanger in a thunderous roar.

Heero looked up disparingly at the formerly magnificent mech, now desecrated quite rudely.

The head was topped by a giant brown paper cowboy hat, and the left side of it’s stomach was now covered by a large golden sheriffs star that had been painted on. The feet had been painted to resemble boots, the waist to look like it wore a belt.

"My beautiful Wing Zero," he sobbed, back on his knees.

"Hey, don’t sweat it. That’s the best gundam in the enitire world now," Quatre said cheerfully. "Or should I say, fundam?" Heero rose up and grabbed the blond pilot by the scruff of his neck.

"I hate John Wayne. I love Wing Zero. You, are a dead boy, Quatre Rabarba Winner," he spat out through clenched teeth. He dropped Quatre. "You both have 5 seconds. GO!"

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