The Grieving Process Chapter 2

Duo remained sitting on the outcrop of rocks for quite a while after Wufei had walked back to the hospital. He was still feeling immensely sad at the prospect of loosing the one and only close friend he had ever allowed himself to have, Quatre. His tears earlier had now dried up, and although reluctant to admit it to himself, he did feel better for having shed them.

By now the sun had completely disappeared behind the mountains far beyond the hospital, although the sky was still spectacularly beautiful. Duo noted the clouds, glowing in vibrant shades of orange and red slowly being enclosed by the deep azure blue darkness that would soon bring nightfall to the land.

Unenthusiastically, and tiredly, Duo slid off the large rock he had been sitting on and landed on his feet with a sigh. He rubbed his face with his hands to wake himself up a little, and to wipe away any evidence of his earlier tears. He then ran his hands through his hair and took a deep breath, resetting his composure.

"I guess I'd better head back", he thought to himself, "Cat could be waking up at any time", his thoughts turning toward a positive attitude. "I know he totally hates hospitals, so he won't be happy when he wakes up. The least I can do,... we can all do,.. is offer him the comfort of familiar faces."

He slowly wandered back along the stepping-stone path towards the rear stairwell door from which he emerged about an hour earlier. Although it had been warm, that day, he could now feel the slight chill in the air, mainly from the sun disappearing, but not helped by his inactivity over the past hour.

Once inside the building, Duo noticed that familiar hospital smell, it was that smell of clinical cleanness, he decided he hated it. Making his way up the staircase to the third floor door, he opened it and walked the short way down the corridor to where he had left the other pilots. The area was almost silent, the other pilots were not there. He could hear faint, muffled talking through the doors leading to the operating theatre where Quatre was earlier.

He approached the door, and quietly peered through the frosted round glass window, Seeing two distorted figures, he opened the door part-way and poked his head round to see who it was.

Two people, a young man and a middle-aged woman, both donned in green surgical-like suits, were standing in a prep room chatting. On sight of him, they both stopped talking and looked up at him.

"Er.. hi", smiled Duo " I'm looking for my friend who was a patient in here a while ago, Quatre Winner?", replied Duo, stuttering slightly.

The woman pointed towards some red double doors across the prep room. "They usually take patients to the recovery ward through those doors, and along the corridor", she replied.

"Thanks" smiled Duo, walking across the room and opening one of the red doors.

He entered the door and found himself in a corridor. It was quiet, but brightly lit with doors dotted randomly both sides along it's length. He stood and looked in both directions, but could see no-one. The corridor seemed to go on forever.

"Heck!", he cussed to himself, running one hand through his hair. "So do I go door-to-door or what?" he thought to himself.

Just then he heard a familiar, distant female voice call him.

"Hey Duo!"

Duo turned to see Sally standing at the far end of the corridor and beckoning him to join her.

"Sa......Sally?" he called back, inquisitively.

He began walking quickly towards Sally, who waited for him with her arms folded over a clipboard, pinning it to her chest. She was wearing a white doctors overall, her long silky hair was tied up in a ponytail, and her lips, as always, displayed that familiar deep red lipstick. She had been working at the hospital as a manager for the past couple of months and her shift that day had only recently started. She'd learned of Quatre's plight whilst checking the new admissions list about half an hour previously.

Sally was somewhat upset herself about it, as she and Quatre were also friends. She thought back to their last get-together about a week previous, when they had shared afternoon tea at one of the local restaurants. They had discussed many things including the imminent end of the war, the colonies plans for the future, and Duo's progress in getting his life back together. Duo didn't know this, but Quatre had confided much in Sally, there was a lot of trust between them. If Quatre needed to vent his own frustrations, apart from Sandrock, Sally was often his number one choice for a listening ear.

Fortunately, she was used to employing the necessary professional detachment to enable her to get on with the job, and so on learning of Quatre's condition, She immediately had her duties transferred to the intensive care ward to supervise and assist in his care.

As he approached, Sally glanced Duo one of her compassionate smiles.

"Oh Duo, I'm so sorry to hear what happened to Quatre, I know what great friends you two are". She squeezed his arm gently.

Duo nodded, "Thanks Sal", he replied, looking at the floor.

"I only found out myself, when my shift started a while ago, or I would have got here much sooner", she explained apologetically.

"It's ok Sal, ...you know where he is now?" asked Duo.

"Yes, he's in intensive care" replied Sally.

Duo looked around the walls for a sign to indicate where the intensive care ward was.

"Which way is that?", asked Duo

"It's down that corridor on the right", replied Sally, "But you shouldn't see him yet"

"Why not?", asked Duo

Sally sighed and paused for a moment, taking time to think about what she would say to him. "Quatre is in fairly bad shape right now Duo, he's unconscious and he could be that way for days. The only thing he needs right now is undisturbed rest".

Duo looked disappointed, but also understood why Sally was dissuading him.

"I understand Sal", he paused, "But do you think it would be ok to just see him for a minute" Duo became hesitant, "I know he's unconscious, ...but....there's.... well.... err... I just need to err..... say some ... things..."

Sally smiled, then sighed reluctantly, She knew Duo would pester her to see Quatre until she gave in to him.

"Ok,... come with me, I'll see what I can do", she beckoned for him to walk with her.

Moments later they were stood outside an anonymous closed door on the intensive care ward. Sally had had a quiet word with the nurse on the desk and negotiated a brief, unofficial visit for Duo.

"Just a few minutes ok Duo", sally cautioned, "remember, he needs total rest".

Duo Nodded, a little apprehensive of what he would find on the other side of the door.

She opened the door and allowed him to enter the room.

"Aren't you coming in?", asked Duo, looking back.

"There's something I have to do, but I'll be back very shortly" she replied. Sally pulled the door up behind him and headed back towards the nurse on the desk.

The room was dimly lit, quite a contrast from the bright corridor outside. A vast array of monitoring and life-support equipment surrounded the bed on which lay an unconscious Quatre. Duo hesitantly stepped closer and almost went into shock as he took full sight of the bewildering array of tubes and wires attached to his friend.

"Oh, ....Cat!", he gasped, his face aghast.

For a while, Duo just stood there, motionless, trying to come to terms with seeing Quatre, his closest friend, lying there so helpless. His heart thumped, his stomach knotted and he felt wretched inside. To compound matters, he felt the sadness welling up inside of him again, but this time Duo was determined not to let it get the better of him. He took a deep breath and looked up.

"Come on Maxwell, pull it together", he whispered to himself through gritted teeth, annoyed at himself for being so weak, "You know you're stronger than this".

Regaining some control, Duo looked back down at Quatre, stepping closer to the bed. Apart from the array of monitoring equipment and tubes, Quatre himself didn't look all that injured Duo thought to himself, although Sally had explained that most of his injuries were internal. Quatre's eyes were closed and he appeared to be sleeping peacefully.

"H... hey!,.... Cat...", Duo spoke softly, in the vain hope that Quatre would open his eyes and greet him back, but there was no reply. Duo sighed in disappointment, looking down at Quatre's unchanged face.

"So what are you thinking right now Cat?", whispered Duo, "are you dreaming,.... are you at peace,...... or are you afraid?, ............... don't be afraid Cat, .... You mustn't be afraid"

Duo looked down at Quatre's hand, then looked round to see if anyone was watching. When he was satisfied nobody was around, Duo gently slipped his upturned palm under Quatre's fingers, and placed his other hand over the top, gently cradling Quatre's lukewarm hand between his palms.

He leaned closer to Quatre's face. "Cat,......... You.......... You gotta get better buddy", he whispered quietly as if it was a secret he didn't want anyone else to hear. He squeezed Quatre's hand gently as he felt the sadness rush back, and his eyes begin to water again. "You hear me Quatre?", he whispered again, his voice starting to crack, "You've gotta get through this,........You've gotta win this battle...... because,...." Duo gave a long sniff in a fruitless attempt to prevent the tears from falling down his cheeks once again. "Because.... You're ...... you're the only family I've got, Cat", his whisper now barely audible. "My only family,...Quatre....." Duo paused to try to regain his composure enough to finish what he wanted to say. He sniffed again. "I cant go through,....... Go through loosing the only family I have,..... not again......, not again Cat,.........I couldn't survive that,........ not a second time" Duo closed his eyes tight, allowing a few tears to run down his face, desperately trying not to shed any more.

The feelings of isolation, of being alone were intensifying rapidly, and Duo decided he would not be able to say any more without cracking up again, so he just kept silent.

Deciding to pull himself together before Sally got back and saw him, he wiped his face dry with the sleeve of his arm, sniffing again, doing his best to quell the nagging sadness that seemed to keep coming back to bother him again and again. To some degree he was successful, and with the sadness subsiding again, he stood there for some time, just gathering and contemplating the thoughts going around and around in his head.

In his distracted state of mind, Duo didn't notice Sally enter the room. She stood beside him and placed her hand on his shoulder, startling him a little. Duo, realised he was still holding on to Quatre's hand, and quickly let go. Any thoughts of sadness were quickly overrun by a sense of embarrassment on Duo's part. He was a little mad with himself for being caught off-guard again, now twice in the same day.

Sally could see Duo was embarrassed, and upset, she could also see he had shed a few tears, because his eyes were a sparkled glaze.

"It's OK Duo", assured Sally, smiling, gently squeezing his shoulder "Really, it's totally ok." She Sighed sympathetically, "This must be such a strain on you, this is not an easy thing to come to terms with. No matter how tough you are, Remember Duo, you're still a human being, a compassionate one at that - don't forget that".

Duo nodded, looking at the ground, still a little embarrassed. Despite Sally's words of reassurance, he really felt like he'd been caught with his pants down.

The volley of emotions swimming around inside Duo's head was getting to be more than he could deal with. He looked ill.

"When was the last time you slept Duo?", asked sally, concerned.

"eh?.. oh... couple of days ago I guess, .... I think, ... actually, I can't remember", he replied vaguely, sighing.

"I'm not going to lecture you Duo, but you'll feel a lot better if you get some rest. Why don't you go home, there's nothing more you can do here."

Sally gently pushed on his arm, persuading him towards the door, Duo followed her lead but on reaching the door, he turned to look back at Quatre.

"He'll,.... He will be.....?"

Sally put her finger to duo' lips, stopping him mid-question. She was way-ahead of him.

"Yes, Duo, he will be ok,... but he HAS to rest", she reiterated once more, "Don't worry, you will be the first to know of any change - I promise"

Duo took another moment to look back at Quatre, wondering if this would be the last time he would see him, then reluctantly turned and re-entered the corridor.

Sally took his arm in hers and walked with him, slowly along the corridor.

"You know the others are as numb as you are right now?", She said rhetorically

"I know", replied Duo quietly, "It's normally so darn hard to tell with those guys, they never show any kind of emotion, ...but I know them well enough to understand they are deeply troubled about it." Duo thought about it some more, "Actually, I first knew by the look on their faces when we pulled Quatre out of Sandrock after he crashed, Even Heero went white", Duo reminisced about the rescue, hours earlier.

Sally nodded

"How come you know about them feeling bad?", asked Duo.

"I ran into them just before I found you", she replied, "They all looked pretty depressed." She replied.

"Do you know where they were headed?", asked Duo

"Yes, they were going to the cafeteria downstairs for coffee, they're probably still there". Duo stopped walking. "I'd better go and find out their plans", he replied, a little more energetically.

Sally let go of Duo's arm, "good idea, ...well, ...I have work to do", she said.

Duo hesitated for a second, then donned his "grateful" mask.

"Sal, ..Thanks for allowing me to see Cat, ....it meant a lot", smiled Duo.

"I've seen how close you two are," she replied, smiling, "You don't need to thank me Duo, it was the least I could do". She reached forward and gave him a gentle hug. Duo openly returned the hug, resting his chin on her shoulder, closing his eyes, soaking up what comfort he could from their warm embrace. . "Just promise to let me know if there is any change, day or night, doesn't matter ok?" spoke Duo softly.

Sally nodded, pulling away gently, "I promise, Duo, the slightest change, you'll hear about it. You're staying at Quatre's mansion tonight I assume?"

"You know, I hadn't really thought that far ahead", replied Duo, "But yes, I guess so." Duo thought about it for a moment, "I guess the others guys will need to stay there too. Jeeze!, I've got some organising to do!" he grinned slightly.

For the first time in hours, Duo realised he was once again projecting the 'cheery' Maxwell mask. His instinctive personality had come back, at least for now.

The canteen was a large dimly lit room with a low ceiling. Along one wall was a bank of vending machines offering everything from coffee and soft drinks to Sandwiches and cakes. Duo stood in the entranceway to the canteen area, trying to spot his comrades. There were several small groups of people dotted at random around the room. Some of them obviously doctors and medical staff, others probably being the relatives of patients.

The other pilots were sat in the far corner, furthest from the entrance, Duo spotted them and made his way down one of the isles of tables to join them. They were all sat quietly around a table, looking quite fed-up and tired. Heero and Trowa were sat opposite each other in monotone conversation, Heero cradling his disposable plastic coffee cup in his hands, periodically sipping from it. Trowa had finished his coffee, and was carefully tearing his cup apart, one strip at a time. Wufei was sat next to Trowa, arms folded looking like he was asleep, but was probably meditating.

Duo approached the table, Heero and Trowa looked up at him. "Hey Guys", said Duo, in a tired, but still slightly cheery voice. He was exhausted. He was acknowledged with a nod from Heero.

Noticing Duo's pasty, washed-out look, Trowa spoke up. "Duo, you ok?", he asked, "you look like hell".

Wufei opened his eyes, and observed Duo, saying nothing.

Duo didn't reply straight away, he tiredly shuffled onto the empty seat next to Heero, slouching forward slightly.

"I've..... I've just seen Quatre", said Duo numbly, drawing imaginary circles on the table surface with his finger.

He glanced up to see all three of the other pilots were staring at him, all of them anticipating his next words, as if they were to be the last words they would ever hear.

"You know, he didn't look too beat up", said Duo. There was tension in his voice. "In fact, if it wasn't for all those machines keeping him alive, he'd actually look perfectly ok".

He carried on running his finger in circles on the table, not realising the others were hanging on to his every word. Fatigue was beginning to get the better of him and he was almost dozing off there and then.

"So, how is he?" suddenly piped up Trowa, urgently needing to know.

"Eh?", Duo looked up again.

Seeing three anxious pairs of eyes all focused on him, Duo sat upright and took a deep breath, trying to bring himself round a little.

"Oh, sorry Guys, Yeah, Trowa,.... Don't worry. He is in bad shape, but he's stable, and Sally told me that's a good thing. Chances are, with proper rest, he's going be ok, he's gonna make it."

Although no one said anything, a general feeling of some relief, or at least a slight easing of concern could be sensed by everyone at the table.

"Sally said he could be unconscious for up to a few days, but she promised to call as soon as there is any change in his condition", spoke Duo, "I'm assuming you guys are going to stick around for the next few days?"

There was a general nodding of heads by the other pilots, who also accepted that Quatre's mansion would probably be the best place to stay, as it was nearest the hospital, and after all, it was Sally's first point of contact for any news.

End of chapter 2

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